who am i?
courtesy of ken from 2003. i've been hearing this phrase addressed to me a lot this year... WHO AM I?

i mean, i know i'm Chinese, i'm Christian, i'm a student, etc. but who am i really? what composes me? (and please don't talk bio with me... <-- terry ha)

it's been a rough couple of weeks for me. it's been a testing time. a bitter time. a renewing time. and a cycle. i just went through all those emotions now as i typed up an UBER good post and then tried to copy it before publishing and then deleted it by accident. i should have just PUBLISHED! :(

anyways, what i wanted to say is that i've been struggling with my identity for the past week and it's brought me to post. i realize that my life is becoming quite a mystery and only those friends who actually keep up with my life know what's going on. and there aren't that many of those. but thanks to those friends who like to stay updated on my life and read this blog even when i update so rarely and so impersonally.

i've been thinking that i have no friends. not in terms of quantity but in terms of quality. i've been feeling like i'm lacking those friends that i can turn to when i need help and support. who can i turn to? who will be there when i cry? as jackie once told me in high school, "you're a true friend when you've seen the person cry in front of you". (or something along those lines....) i've been feeling like i've been abandoned, rejected, forgotten by some of my closest friends. people who i thought would never leave me. but in some ways or another, they have. like i've realized that i've neglected many things and caused dents in friendships b/c i simply couldn't catch up or didn't even try... and so i blame myself for a lot of these "lack of"s.

(disclaimer: many of these comments are generalizations and are not meant to be taken too personally)

but in the same way, when i thought there was nothing else.... i remembered.

who can i turn to? who will be there when i cry? there is one more "person" that i've neglected. i've been trying to patch things up and He's been showing me things through:
- Praise and Prayer ("it's not about sacrifice, it's about letting God take things away that belong to Him")
- KCAC ("You are holy holy holy, All creation cries holy Holy God..."; the Spirit came)
- Skype from Taiwan missionary (encouraged by opportunity)
- personal devos and prayers, journalling (I can cry in His presence)

just so many things... I have a true friend. When I have no one, when I have nothing, when I feel empty and lonely, I can cry in His presence.